peachy keen

My leaving night is tonight, for any Glasgow people that want to see me before I leave.

Organisation is a nightmare.

I’m having really big second thoughts about this whole France thing. I really don’t feel ready to leave certain things and it’s terrifying me.

Anxious as hell.

I must stop comparing myself to other girls because I look different. It’s just the way I am and I have to accept it.

(repeats to self 500 million times)

I hate when films/music/books that you once loved become tainted with some painful memory that means you can’t enjoy them the same way you once did.

Be it bittersweet, sad, embarrassing or just reminding you of someone you don’t want to think about, they can have a weird lingering association that it takes a long time to get over. For example, I couldn’t listen to Death Cab from around the summer of 2008 to early 2010 because their music reminded me of someone.

It’s strange, and slightly fascinating, in a melancholy sort of way.

I realise that this post is in no way astute, profound or articulate. It’s just my thoughts.

I can no longer tolerate having the way I speak be made fun of or called fake.

Having genuine caring motives questioned for the very reason that the questioner knows it will irritate you is awful.

When someone deliberately and very blatantly ignores you, it’s not fun. 

False accusations (purely for the reaction they will stir in you) are puerile.

Being  told that your opinion is invalid and that someone you care about ‘couldn’t care less’ about news that you thought would interest them is certainly not enjoyable.

Hearing some of the people you care about most be criticised for the very fact that they’re your friends is deeply upsetting. 

Being informed by someone who’s opinion you really value that you have ‘the worst taste’ eats at your gut and makes you question your worth.

But being belittled? And patronised? And called pet names in the most derogatory and demeaning fashion? It verges on abusive.

my getting fit and toning up summer regime seems to have worked.

pass the cake.

My first acting class in five years went amazingly well. It’s making me think twice about this au pair work because I really want to finish this course of classes. It consisted of a really nice bunch of people, who all brought different life experiences and opinions to the table, which I think will make for a really successful combination of fellow actors. 

In other news, I feel better about things. Having a job (even if it is just as a barista, because I really wanted to fulfil the cliche of dissatisfied worldly law graduate) has given me less time to dwell on negativity. 

Today would be my ‘fake’ Grandpa’s birthday, the 7th since he died. I’ve been thinking of him a lot lately, and how him and my Gran have always been there for me. He was a lovely, clever, talented man, with one of the most fascinating life stories. He built a swing for me in their back garden. I miss him. 

Too many life options at once. I don’t know which one to choose.

Confusion.

I’ve found some really interesting 4 month trips through an agency called ‘Africa and Asia Ventures’ to South Africa. It would involve working closely with a rural African community, teaching English to primary school age children. It would be from February to May and looks like the perfect  worthwhile experience that I need right now.

I do, however, have some queries.

1. I am greatly interested in the history of SA, along with the current happenings there. I am, therefore, highly aware that it ranks among the highest murder, rape and HIV/AIDS rates in the world. There is, however, chance and danger in everything but the risk added to being a white Western woman in this part of the world is extra high. This is not supposed to sound patronising and presumptuous, I just know that it is something that my (super liberal and supportive) mum would worry about while I was there. I’m trying to be realistic and I’m sure that our security is paramount to this agency (it is, after all, making them money).

2. The political situation in SA is, at current, concerning. The way that the ANC is going does not look secure and Zuma is, well…. worrying. 

3. This agency; the fact that it is an agency says it all. I’m concerned that it’s just providing some ‘gap yahs’ for middle class brats whose parents want them to have a nice little holiday before they head to uni. I haven’t actually heard of this agency before either, but it’s recommended in The Guardian’s gap year list which is reassuring.

So yeah. I still think this is worthwhile and I’m pretty keen to apply, but if anyone has any kind of advice about travelling in South Africa or any knowledge about this agency, I’d like to hear it.

Over and out.

wish you were here.